ONLY IN D'PILIPINS

Cory Aquino watches "Mano Po 2" everydayand cries everytime...
Dito lang kasi niya nakita na ikinasal si Kris!
**********  
Bakit sa Pilipinas kung mag-aaply ka ng clerkkailangan college graduate ka,
pero kung mag-aaply ka for president,high school drop-out ok na?
Just curious ha.. bakit???
**********  
Noong araw, ERAP na ERAP na.Ngayon ARROY, ARROYO-KO na!,
wag na POE, wag na POE.
Baka maLACSON ang KABAYAN natin
at magka ROCO ROCO ang buhay natin.
**********
GMA: Economic mind
ROCO: academic mind
EDDIE V: Godly mind
LOREN: changeable mind
NOLI: no mind
PING: mastermind
FPJ: Never mind!
**********  
Lights, camera, action!
Starring FPJ
Directed by ERAP
Script by ED ANGARA
Produced by DANDING COJUANGCO
Sa pelikulang, "BAYAN KO, TODAS KA!"
**********  
Presidentiables have records:
GMA: Jose Pidal case
ROCO: has textbook scam
LACSON: has kuratong baleleng
Only FPJ has no records - not even school records! Nanay ko po! ...
 
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NICE ENGLISH....hehehe

The following is a letter found at a certain bar in Manila and hasbeen preserved in its original, unedited form. Enjoy reading and youmay try direct translation in Tagalog.Pls read with feelings...

*************************************************************************
October 1996
 
To Marjie, 

I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reasonyou can think about but you're very fatbody. I thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I'm realize that he really can't not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you'rehabit of making pakialam all his walks [lakad] and always calling to their house what he go home or thisor that.

 

And then he say he get ashame to met iether in school or in his family andthen asking you to exercise you're very very, very fat body. But you hate it. Thoughth your themost! preetiest girls he knows about. What do you think you are "Beautiful Girl" of Jose Marie Chan?

 

Even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the right to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I'm never call you names iether in the front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, butif you start already to calling me different name, I don't have any other choice but to call you other different name to. Like you area PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT, AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you're body that is to a BUDING.

 

You can't not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I am the more sexier than you when you look tous in the mirror.I'm repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.

 

Love,

 

The Sexiest Girl of D.M.

 

P.S.

 

You say that I'm the bad breathe but who is Dennis want tokissed. Meor you? You or me?! And the final is me. there you go.<<<======== (",)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"The pen is mightier than the sword, but not as mighty as the keyboard."
                                                             -Maikeru  c" ,? =======>>>

 

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NAUGHTY GIRL

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach.He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himselfwith the newspaper he was reading.The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?

"Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and theguy fell asleep.When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police askedhim what happenedThe guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girlasked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'mhere.

 

"The police went to the ! beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did youdo to that naked fellow?"After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with hisbird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set itsnest on fire!".

 

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ANG BUBULI (sa Kawalang-Malay)

Walong taon pa lamang ang edad ay ibig nang matutong manligaw ni Boy at nanay niya ang inurirat, na ang sabi'y magtago na lamang siya sa likod ng kanilang kurtina at panoorin sa gabi ng araw na iyon ang pagliligawan ngate niya't nobyo nito.
 
Kinaumagahan ay inusisa si Boy ng kanyang nanay sa kung ano ang mga nasilip niya at natutunan. "Sa umpisa po," kuwento ni Boy," ay  nagligawan lang ang dalawa. Kanilang pinatay ang ilaw at dim light lang ang iniwang buhay sa salas." Nagyakapanat naghalikan  pero sumama ang pakiramdam ni ate. Nag-iba kasi ang itsura ng mukha, eh." Kaya ipinasok ng nobyo ang kamay nito sa blusa ni ate at parang doktor napinakiramdaman ang puso nito." Pero tangang doktor!Ang tagal nagkakapa ng kamay ay hindi alam kung saang lugar naroon ang puso!" Hindi nagtagal ay nagkahawahan na sila ng sakit. Pareho nang  hihingal-hingal." In! ilagayng nobyo ang kamay nitong may sinat sa loob ng paldani ate. Para mainitan, dahil nag-alis pa muna ito ng panty."
 
Lalong naging grabe si ate. Nangapos ang hininga, nanigas ang mga paa, at halos mapahiga't magkandahulog sa pagkakaupo." Iyon ang kataasan nglagnat. Dahil sabi ni ateng nangangatog, umuungol at tumitirik ang mga mata' y kinikilig na raw siya." Kaya pala sumama ang pakiramdam ng nobyo' y dahil may nakapasok na bubule rito. Umalpas sa harap ng pantalon nito!" Gusto pang tumakas ng papalag-palag na bubule, pero dinakma ni ate at  walang-takot na kinagatsa ulo." Ngunit iniluwa rin, dahil sigur o' y gumanting kagat ang nakasubong bubule."
 
Para hindi na makapangagat uli ay hinawakan ng nobyoang bubule at may isinaklob sa ulo nito." Si atenaman ay humiga sa sofa at itinaas ang kanyang mga paa para pitpitin sa pagitan ng mga nakabukakaniyang hita ang ulo n! g bubule." Pati ang nobyo'ydinapaan ang bubule, na nanlabang mabuti nang ito'y pagpilitang patayin ng dalawa nang papisa sapagitan nila!" Pikit ang matang sinalubong ng dikdikni ate ang makasira-ng-sofa ng bayo ng nobyo roon sa iniipit nilang bubule."
 
Kalaunan ay natahimik ang dalawa, walang kakilus-kilos at humihinga na nang maayos." Nang tumayo ang nobyo'y patay na ang bubule.  nakalungayngay at sabog ang sumambulat na lamanloob." Pagod ang dalawa sa matinding laban pero nag-umpisa uli sila sa pagliligawan,pagyayapusan at paghahalikan. Aba'y nabuhay na namang unti-unti ang bubule!" Parang pusang na siyam ang buhay!" Dito mabilis na tumayo si ate, hinawakan atinupuan ang bubule, para siya  mismo ang pumatay." Pagkatapos ng matagal na namang labanan aynamatay na nang tuluyan ang bubule." Sigurado po,"sabi pa ni Boy." Dahil tinanggal pa ng nobyo ang balat ng&nbs! p;bubule, at pagkatapos ay binuhusan ng tubig doon sa inidoro!"
 
Tulalang mahima-himatay sa narinigang nanay.
 
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BE STRONG, HONEY!

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he

wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.  He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it! Be strong, honey.  I love you...
 
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BATTLE OF THE BRAINLESS

Host: What "N" (narra) is the national tree of the Philippines? 
Contestant: Niyog? 
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!    
  
Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant: Sa back?
Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (Luneta).
Contestant: Likod?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern name   nito (Rizal Park).
Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)
   
Host: Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.
Contestant: Beerhouse!    
  
Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng ito.
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant : Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!    
  
Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?  
    
Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines?
Contestant: Sunflower?
Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stork?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A", 
         at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?
Contestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!  
  
Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of  Asia?
Host: Hindi, mas mababa sa king.
Contestant: Al QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?
Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?
Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant: Jerry PONS?
Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa Chess. Yung kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.
Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE! 
 
Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue:may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
Contestant: Nora Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".
Contestant: Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!! 
 
Host: What "K" (kalabaw) is the national animal of the Philippines?
Contestant: Kuto?
Host: Hinde, clue: It tills the land.
Contestant: Kutong Lupa! (Bweset!)
 
-END>>>>>>>>>>

I CAN TELL HOW A MAN MAKES LOVE...

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

 

-END>>>>>>>>>>

COHONES DE TORO... HOT!

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

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